


Between the Lines

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Non-Binary!!! on Ice! [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety Disorder, Asshole parents, Bullying, Emotional Hurt, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Katsuki Yuuri, Implied homophobia, Love, M/M, Panic Attacks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 13:43:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8716156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: Everyone has a soul book which are generally presented to them at the age of 10.  A book that records major events in their soul mates life.It never says their name and the events it records are what events that were important to their soulmate and not necessarily something the rest of the world sees as important.Victor isn't even sure what country his soul mate is.  All they know for sure is that they are hurting and afraid.Yuri knows their soul mate is Russian but mostly knows they are extremely lonely.





	1. Chapter 1

“Vitya your parents want to see you.” Victor looked up from his drawing.  As the 10 years old pampered rich boy he was he was prone to getting himself into mischief and with both parents extremely busy he normally only saw them when he had gotten into serious trouble.

“I didn’t do it Mama Anya!” He said automatically. The woman smiled down at him.

“You’re not in trouble this time Vitya.  But it’s important so please hurry.” The woman told him. Frowning Victor picked himself up from his floor where he had been drawing dogs and let the person he called Mama Anya led him to his father’s office.  

Inside were his Mother, Father and Father’s business partner. They seemed to be gathered around a blue book.

“Victor since you’re now ten it’s time you have your soul book.” His mother announced after he had entered and given his greetings.

“Really?” Victor was excited. Some of the kids in his class already had their soul books and already knew things about their soul mates.

“What do you know about soul books and soul mates Victor?” His mother continued.

“Your soul book records major events in your soulmate’s life!” Victor recited happily, itching to get his fingers on the book.

“That’s right, and what are soulmates?” His mother continued.

“They are the perfect person for you!” He exclaimed fidgeting slightly.  Now he knew why Mama Anya and Father’s business partner were there.  Mama Anya was his Mother’s soulmate and his Father’s business partner was his.  He didn’t know the partner that well, he was often away on business but Mama Anya took care of him mainly as his Mother was busy with her own work.

“That’s right, the soul book tells you a lot about your soulmate so you can know them when you find them but it doesn’t ever list their name.”

Victor nodded overjoyed then a worry struck him.

“Only…do you think my soul mate and I will get married? Is it okay if we do? No matter what?” he asked shyly.  He knew other soulmates ended up married and his family while not that unusual wasn’t exactly the norm. It wasn’t bad, it’s just he wanted true love. Like there were in stories and on television.

“Perhaps.” Father said dodging the question.

“Can I have my book! When did it start filling in?” Victor blurted out almost hopping from one foot to the next.

“It started when you were Four.” His mother answered handing him his book. He took it almost reverently.

“Have you read it?” he asked.

“No dear, it’s very wrong to read someone else’s soul book. We noticed the writing was filling in and have kept it closed since.” Mama Anya explained gently. Victor hugged the book to himself with wide eyes.

“Can I go and read it?” he asked softly.

“Of course, I’ll come and collect you when dinner’s ready.” Anya replied.  Victor held the book close to himself until he got back to his room.

Once he was sat on his bed he took a deep breath and then opened the book.  The first several pages were usually only a few words and didn’t tell Victor much.  He did wonder about the fact that the book didn’t say he or she when talking about his soulmate.  Instead it used ‘they’.  Oh well, that didn’t bother Victor.

He grinned at the book when he reached the part where they went to ballet class for the first time.  That event went on for several pages as they described how joyful and wonderful it felt to twirl and dance.  How they felt free. It reminded him of how he felt on the ice. He was also glad he took ballet to help him with his figure skating.  He could relate to his soulmate’s hobby.

As he got further into the book though he started to get concerned.  The entries were getting very negative.

They seemed to be afraid of other children and a lot of bullying was happening.

Incidents of being pushed, of being called a pig. Also, a lot of being laughed at for taking ballet.  That enraged Victor. His soulmate loved to dance and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.

The last page was just awful. It was just his soulmates feelings of fear and shame.  Apparently, they had gotten caught getting into their sister’s stuff.

_“My stuff is girls stuff so why do you want it? You’re really weird! You’re not a girl!?” their sister yelled._

_They cowered a bit before running to climb under their own bed._

_“I’m not a girl but I’m not a boy I don’t know what I am!” they thought as they cried._

_“Am I bad? I must be bad if big sis is mad at me. I’m bad. How do I stop being bad?” the thoughts kept circling around._

_“I’ll be a boy. People want me to be a boy.  The other kids laugh at me for liking girl things anyway.” They thought miserably._

_“I’ll stop being bad and be a boy.” They decided._

_“…I just wanted to be pretty like big sis. Just once.” They thought sadly._

Victor stared at the page in shock.  He wanted to find his soul mate right then.  They weren’t bad! If they didn’t know what they were Victor would help them discover that but they weren’t bad!

He closed his book and buried his face into this pillow and started crying. How could he help his soulmate?

He remembered what he loved to do, what he had already decided he would do for his entire life.

He sat up his face tear streaked.

“I’m going to become the most famous figure skater in the world and I’ll SHOW my soulmate that they aren’t bad. I’ll show them they can be whoever they want to be!” he announced out loud.

That was when he started growing his hair out.


	2. Chapter 2

Ten-year-old Yuri Katsuki had accepted their soul book and the explanation without question.  They took the book back to his room and hugged it gently. Apparently, it had started filling rapidly when they were born so Yuri’s soulmate was already alive waiting for them from the start.

The fact that there could be a person out there for them was remarkable.  They hoped they didn’t disappoint their soulmate though.

Carefully Yuri opened the book and began to read.  They gasped when they read about the first time their soulmate discovered ice skating.  After that it featured a lot.  The first time they landed a jump, the first time they did a routine – telling a story by dancing on blades.

How beautiful and free and calm it made them feel. How fulfilled. 

Yuri was glad he was loving it as deeply as Yuri did. They felt so happy at that, knowing they already shared a passion with their soulmate.

Reading on Yuri gave a little yelp.  There was just one sentence but it was about Yuri!

_I’m going to grow my hair out so my soulmate will know that it’s okay to be something between a boy and a girl._

Yuri blushed, their soulmate had obviously read about Yuri’s decision to be a boy.  It was okay really, it’s what people wanted from Yuri.  It was okay.  Yuri was okay being a boy. Yuri was…not okay with it at all actually.

Yuri hugged the book to his chest and started crying even though they were smiling.

Their soulmate was okay with them being who they were.

They kept reading.

Their soulmate won some major figure skating competitions apparently.  They appeared to be Russian based on what he was learning.

Yuri felt a little despair at that.  Russia was so far away.

But…maybe if Yuri got really good at figure skating they could meet at an international competition.

That was too exciting to think about!

“I’m going to do that! I’m going to meet them at an international event!” Yuri thought.

The last page brought a pause.

_“Mama Anya why are you going?” he asked the tall woman._

_“It’s for you and your family.” The woman replied sadly_

_“But you’re mother’s soulmate!” he said fighting back tears._

_“I know. I don’t want to leave her or you but people are beginning to suggest unsavoury things. Causing rumours and gossip. Only you, your parents and your father’s soulmate know of mine and your mother’s connection. To society your parents are soulmates.  That is what Russia wants and your parents’ reputation demands.” The woman told him, putting a hand on his shoulder._

_“Your mother understands. You will understand that sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the ones you love someday.” The woman he always felt was his mother more than the woman who gave birth to him kissed his forehead before leaving._

_He watched her leave and then threw himself into his room and onto his bed completely hysterical._

_“I’m all alone again.” He thought, “I’m always alone. Mama Anya was the only one who has ever cared about me. I don’t want to be alone.”_

_His father came into the room and sighed._

_“That’s enough hysterics. Men of our class don’t carry on so.  From now on carry yourself in public properly.  Don’t let anyone ever see you like this. No one could stand to be around such an overly emotional person. If you carry on like this, you won’t even have your fans love.” His father told the boy on the bed before leaving._

_He sniffed and looked up at the door._

_“If let people see the real me they won’t love me anymore?” he thought._

_“If that’s the case I won’t ever let anyone see the real me. Except through my skating.”_

Yuri felt tears prick their own eyes. They could only sort of understand the feelings of loneliness their soulmate was feeling. Yuri often felt lonely but even though Mom and Dad and Mari didn’t understand Yuri they at least were around and gave a lot of love and support.  They didn’t understand Yuri’s love of ballet or figure-skating but they supported it wholeheartedly.  Yuri never really felt lonely like this at home and certainly their family would never tell him to hide who they were like that.  Yuri often felt they did have to hide it but that wasn’t because of his parents. 

Yuri’s soulmate seemed to have a very different situation.  His parents understood perfectly why he was upset and flat out told him that no one would love him if he acted that way.

It was wrong.

“I’ll accept the real you. I’ll love you.  You’re not alone.” Yuri whispered to the book in his arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Victor had been fifteen the first time his soulmate had a panic attack.  It had shown up in the book and at first Victor was convinced his soulmate was dying in large part because they had been convinced.

_“Can’t breathe! Why can’t I breathe! My heart is beating too fast! It hurts it hurts it hurts!” they cried out inside their mind their teeth clenched to keep from screaming out loud._

_“I’m dying! I’m gonna die! I can’t deal with this! I’m so scared!” their mind screamed as they curled in on themselves._

_“Are you okay?” the girl asked._

_They couldn’t answer her; her presence was what was causing this._

_“N-nurse’s office.” They said finally shooting up from the floor and running down the hall to the nurse’s station.  They had started crying without realising it part way there. The nurse took one look at them and got them sat down on a bed and taking deep breaths in and out, counting them._

_When the breathing came under control she let them lay down while she called their parents to collect them._

_All that had happened is that girl they didn’t know well had asked for a pencil. Why had they panicked so badly? Why were they like this?_

_“I’m so broken in so many ways.” They thought with despair._

Victor had been dismayed.  Their soulmate’s life had gotten a bit better. They had made friends with a girl with a funny name even taken up figure skating which had delighted Victor. Especially since they had liked it even more than ballet. That was one more thing he shared with his soulmate.

He had danced around his room that day last year when a single sentence had appeared saying.

_“I’m going to work hard and me and my soulmate will meet at an international figure skating competition someday! Then they’ll never have to feel lonely again!”_

His soulmate wanted to meet him and was going to work to become a professional figure skater just to make that happen! Clearly this meant they knew Victor was a figure skater. That spurred on Victor even harder.

But now his soul mate was having panic attacks. Victor wished he could find he soul mate and help them when they felt so scared and anxious.

However, he quickly found himself moving from concerned to admiring. Despite the panic attacks and occasional bouts of self-hatred his soul mate refused to give up. They were wonderfully stubborn. Despite being teased about the figure skating and ballet his soulmate just ignored them and continued. Despite the overwhelming fear before a competition they would still compete (and Victor was noticing- starting to win)

His soulmate may be an anxious person but they were no weakling that needed Victor to protect them.

When he was 16 he performed a routine secretly dedicated to his soulmate.  His hair was very long now and his costume had been created with the express purpose of suggesting both genders at once.

When he got back from the competition he raced to the book and opened it eagerly. Immediately Victor crowed with delight! They had seen it! It had worked!

_“Victor Nikiforov is the most beautiful person I have ever seen! They are so pretty and so good! I want to skate like that! If I get really good I might get to skate on the same ice as him someday as well as meet my soulmate!” they thought as they watched, you on the tv screen at the ice rink.  They couldn’t even take in Yuu-chan’s words, fully entranced by your figure on the screen._

Victor grinned happily. His soulmate was going to be in for one hell of a shock when they did meet.

_“He has really pretty hair, and so long... maybe he feels like I do? A little? Maybe…maybe if Victor can be pretty…maybe it’s okay for me to be pretty sometimes. Maybe…maybe I’m not completely bad? My soulmate seems to think I’m okay too…that reminds me they were growing their hair out too. I wonder what colour it is…” they thought dreamily._

_“I’m going to learn how to skate like Victor!” they announced to the girl sitting next to them._

_“Yeah!” Yuu-chan said “I’ll help you!”_

Victor hadn't felt this happy since before Mama Anya left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter's so short. The next one should be longer

_“No no no no NO! Why did they cut my hair! My soulmate won’t think I’m pretty anymore!” He wailed into his pillow, in the dark hospital room._

_He remembered going for that quad jump.  Knowing they were going to land badly and the pain of hitting the ice but he didn’t remember anything after that until he woke up in the hospital. Pain in his leg._

_“What if I can’t ever skate again? Will I end up alone? But I have to get well! My soulmate is working so hard to meet me and I want meet them.  I can get better. I will get better. I work twice as hard to be the best and we’ll meet and it will be great. Only…maybe they won’t want the real me.” He started crying harder until exhaustion let him slip into sleep._

Yuri read it all in with deep concern. He hoped his soulmate would be able to skate.  They didn’t care if he had long hair.  The fact that they had wanted to help Yuri was enough. They wished they could reach out their soul mate and reassure them.

While their soulmate was recovering they apparently were gifted with a dog who they loved deeply.

Knowing their soulmate had a bit of happiness after their accident made Yuri want to connect with them more.  So, he got puppy as well and named it Victor after their idol. Yuri knew it was silly but they felt closer to their soulmate whenever they hugged their puppy.

The entry that detailed his return to the ice filled Yuri with relief.  It went well and it looked like they were going to be able to recover and skate again.

Yuri had wondered a bit at the reports that Victor Nikiforov had also had a serious accident and his subsequent return to the ice. Wondered if it was possible their hero was their soulmate but concluded it was just a teenage wishful thinking.  Especially as their soul book never actually recorded his soulmate winning any big competitions.  Just little things. Like the when he moved out of his parents into his own apartment, or when they would find the perfect music for a program or the feeling when they learned a new move.

The little happiness their soulmate found made Yuri happy as well but Yuri never felt they were truly happy.  The little happiness they found seemed to highlight how lonely they were.

“Once we’re together I’ll take care of you and you’ll never be alone again. We’ll always be together.” Yuri told the book every night before going to bed. A solemn vow of love and support that they hoped would somehow travel to their soulmate and ease their heart.


	5. Chapter 5

Victor tried to give Yuri some advice but the kid brushed him off.  He tried to feel happy about his victory but couldn’t really feel it as he tuned out Yakov’s ranting.  He had been a bit excited about the new guy’s routine.  He’d seen clips of it before today but the kid had fallen apart. He wondered why.  It depressed him.  On top of that he was 27, nearing the time he’d have to retire and he still hadn’t met his soulmate.  He knew they were still working hard.

Feeling eyes on him turned to see a slightly familiar face. Was it a fan? He couldn’t let them see him like this.  Quickly he plastered on his fake smile.

“Commemorative photo? Sure!” he offered in his friendliest voice. To his shock the kid’s eyes widened with pain before he turned his back to Victor and walked out of the building, never once looking back.

“Wow Victor I knew you were an idiot but not even recognising your competitors is stupid even for you. Though he is pathetic so I can understand why.” Yuri told him. That’s when Victor realised his mistake.  He had recognised him he was the other Yuri from Japan and Victor had just humiliated both of them. He tried not to let it show on his face.

“Ah well I am an airhead!” he laughed it off. 

That night he returned to his hotel room and he couldn’t even bring himself to open his soul book.  His heart hurt too much.  He couldn’t even treat his competitors well.  If his soulmate did find him he’s sure he’d only disappoint them.  He was too frivolous, too emotional, too disappointing.

He performed his routine at Worlds with a feeling of pain and despair.  It was supposed to be a plea to a lover to stay with him but he couldn’t believe anyone would stay with him.

The win didn’t even break through the numbness in his heart.

He was woken out of his depression when Chris sent him a link to a video.  He read the title, it was that Japanese Yuri skating his routine.  He watched it, grateful that maybe he hadn’t made this Yuri hate him after all and was blown away.

The plea he hadn’t felt worthy of making when he skated it was clear in Yuri’s movements.  It broke through the numbness of his heart and after watching it through several times he made his choice.  He booked the ticket to Japan.  On the plane, he wondered what his excuse for showing up would be.  He entertained the idea of offering to be Yuri’s coach.  Maybe that would allow him to be close to him, make up for his mistake at the last Grand Prix.

When he reached the onsen Yuri apparently lived in he was surprised when the skater met him at the door with a smile.

“I’ve been waiting for you.” Yuri told him much to Victor’s shock.  The younger man smiled at his surprise, “Come on in, we need to talk.” Yuri continued leading a silent Victor into a private room.


	6. Chapter 6

Yuri had walked away from Victor after the last Grand Prix with their heart sore.  Their dog was dead, the Russian Punk had yelled them and now their hero had blanked them. Everything sucked.

They got back to their room, the thoughts of giving up were there.  They were always there and a part of them but as they took their soul book out of their bag they knew giving up wasn’t an option. Their soulmate needed them.

Yuri opened it and gasped, it couldn’t be.

_I didn’t mean to hurt him! I didn’t recognise him out of his costume! I thought he was a fan and I’d been really looking forward to meeting him! I wanted to tell him the potential I saw in his skating!” he cried as he paced his hotel room._

_“Why did I offer him a photo? Now he thinks I didn’t take him seriously as competition just because he came in last in this Grand Prix and I won but that’s not true! God no wonder I’m always alone. Father was right, no one will want a mess like me. Not even my soulmate will want me if I’m like this.” He fretted._

No fucking way. Their soulmate was no other than Victor Nikiforov their skating hero.

Yuri sat back on the bed staring at the book. In other circumstances, they would have felt inadequate but having been privy to Victor’s most private thoughts they knew that their hero needed them more than ever.  They knew they wouldn’t be able to get close to Victor on their own, they needed a plan to bring their hero to them.

Yuri returned home, they wanted to say goodbye to Vicchan anyway and catch up with their family. Then they went to ice castle and asked a favour of Yuuko.

“I’ve been practising this since the last Grand Prix.” They told their friend, “I need you to film it and put it online.”

“What? Why?” Yuuko asked but Yuri only winked at her.

“Secret.”

After it had gone viral like Yuri knew it would Yuri waited, checking the soul book every few minutes.  They read the words as they filled in as Victor watched it.

_“So beautiful, it’s everything I couldn’t bring to it.  He doesn’t hate me! Maybe? Hopefully? I need to see him, to talk to him.  God I always thought he was pretty but this skating, this was what I knew he could do.” He thought as he watched the video of you skating again and again._

_“I’m going. I have to. I just need to think of an excuse.” He exclaimed getting up, “I’ll make up some excuse for Yakov.”_

Yuri grinned and loitered around for Victor’s arrival. When the Russian arrived Yuri invited him in and brought him into a private room sitting him down on the floor and trying hard not to laugh at his confusion as Yuri sat down in front of him.

“How did you know I would come?” Victor asked quietly.

“Victor when’s the last time you looked in your soul book?” Yuri countered.  Victor looked shocked, which wasn’t a surprise because it was a huge breach of etiquette but he looked down at his hands.

“Since before the Grand Prix.” He answered softly.

“Okay…we’ll get to that in a minute then. Do you know why I skated your routine?” Yuri asked. Victor shook his head.

“I was making a plea to my soulmate.  You know I’m often scared. I’ve got anxiety disorder and depression and it makes it rough on me. I often want to quit. But my soulmate is a lonely person and I’ve vowed to never give up until I find him so I can let him know he’ll never be alone again.  He’s the reason I can keep skating, keep being me.” Yuri explained watching Victor.

“Your soulmate is very lucky.” Victor said quietly.

“Maybe, but I’m so determined because I’m very lucky with mine.  See I’m not a guy, though everyone thinks I am and I’ve lived like one most of my life.  I’m actually genderfluid. I move back and forth between being male and female. My soulmate cared about me so much that they grew their hair out for a long time just so I would feel less broken. You even cried when they had to cut it. Afraid I wouldn’t think you’re pretty any longer.  Which was silly really because you’re always pretty Victor both with long hair and with short hair.” Yuri told him watching Victor’s face as realisation slowly dawned, “I’m glad you got my message, that I was able to bring you here to my side.” Yuri continued quietly.

Victor stared at them and then dug out his soul book from his bag, opening it to read about Yuri’s Grand Prix failure, of their discovery that Victor was their soulmate, of how they felt while he skated Victor’s routine for him.

Victor hadn’t cried in front of anyone but Maccachin since the day Mama Anya had left but he couldn’t stop the tears now as he dropped the book.  Immediately Yuri’s arms were around him.

“Shhh shhh I’ve got you, you’re okay. We’ll be together from now on. You don’t have to be alone ever again.” Yuri whispered as they pet Victor’s hair.

“But when you get to know me you’ll leave just like everyone else!” Victor wailed through hiccuping sobs.

“No I won’t. I already know all about you. I know you’re sometimes silly and childish but really hard working and full of love.  It’s okay.  It’s okay.” Yuri peppered his cheeks and temples with light kisses as he continued to pet Victor’s hair and rock him gently as the older man clung to him.

Eventually Victor stopped crying.

“Feeling better?” Yuri asked with a smile.

“How are you so strong?” Victor asked with wonder in his voice.

“Because you were always with me. Whenever I was panicking I thought of you and how you needed me.  It gave me strength even before I knew who you were.” Yuri told him before hauling him to his feet, “Come on, we’ll put your bags in my room and then you can have a soak in the hot springs followed by my mom’s home cooking.”

“I can stay here?” Victor asked timidly. Yuri’s grip on his hand tightened.

“You’re going to live with me from now on. Either here or in Russia we can decide later but I’m not letting to be lonely ever again.” They flashed a smile at Victor “For now you’ll stay here and let my family pamper you a bit.”

Victor let himself be dragged by Yuri towards his room, his heart swelling in his chest as his soulmate smiled. 

For once he felt like he was home.

**Author's Note:**

> because of processing information I prefer to use names that match the subtitles on crunchyroll just fyi. I would also like to stress that Mari isn't meaning to be cruel to Yuri here. She's still a kid as well and just flat out doesn't understand but she does feel bad about making him cry and although it's not mentioned in the soul book they did make up after this. Adult Mari doesn't even remember this moment. I based that off of times my mom accidentally upset me as a child about gender stuff which she now regrets.


End file.
